I've always wondered what love was. I've always thought of what love was. I've always ended up with a bunch of love at the end.
It seems that when a bunch of blokes like me starts to judge women, or girls on a 1 to 10 scale, it gets me riled up. Of course I follow along because I adapt, I don't want to crush anybody's mind or heart for the sake of it, they're my friends. I feel quite bad, to be honest, I'm personally not the best looking person, probably at the bad end of the scale. I feel as though I have a be the underdog and support all the ugly bastards in this world. I've got a tick a humour left in me, yes! I am an ugly bastard. The problem with rating the girls was, I of course was in no place to judge because I only had a distorted view of what social status each person had in the school. The premise was good looks and bang-ability to us guys. As I'm still a virgin, I will literally fuck and tear up anyones pussy if they're cool people. Maybe not as rough as the diction implies, but if you were to analogise it, this would be it "If my dick could go through a cool bottle, I would". The bottle illustrates the lowest form of endoxa may see as unattractive people. It's not as though I'm going to imagine myself in every scenario with every other girl... that just isn't the case. Me liking this little chat? Not at all. I'm someone of sentiment, people are simple in the form they take, but they're simpler when you get to know them. There are only a few, those who don't give a shit about what others say, those people are a tad bit more complex. I love those people, and I call them dynamic characters. Dynamic characters are those who follow principles, who follow some weird code, but in some sense they don't change. It's like a rock nailed to the bottom of the ocean, then waves are constantly crashing onto the rock, smoothening the rock slowly, but yet it's inner form doesn't change. This is of course the nails pinning the rock to the ocean don't come loose and remain fixed.
With the rock in mind, there is this selfishness which I see in myself. Every time I see a hot girl, sometimes I would imagine my life with them in the future. A hot brunette, slowly walking towards me, steps tip toed out of the pool, dusting the water off her gangly legs. Well basically she then makes out with me, and we make love. I hate those segments of imagination... they remind me of sticking my phallus into her vagina or mouth or whatever hole I can find. Potted plant? I constantly remind myself I'm in a horny daydream scenario. It's like a movie playing but with a liquid stamp saying "Horny- Motherfucker".
In that selfishness comes love. I've always wondered what the difference between love and respect was. See the problem was with me, I use to like this super cool french girl but she didn't like me back. It was ok, but I really liked her. It was an obsessive lop sided relationship, like a happy meal next to a gourmet burger (even though the happy meal has a toy, the happy meal does not have the advantage in this specific case, to be honest I'd prefer a happy meal sometimes because of the toy). I think it was extremely selfish, and it wasn't love. Although at that time I would've called it love because it felt like a jerk in the heart, like a really painful heart attack. Her not liking me, and me liking her made me like her more, I mean that wasn't the case but I'm just here attempting to illustrate the painful heart attack. There's this feeling, it's a variation of an adrenaline rush, it zones me out the past and creates this world of wonder, it's as though I'm in the new present. And it's great because this feeling was just what it was, it was the shit, I've always harnessed this feeling to give that euphoric boost. Perhaps love is something else, more complex in nature, but never possessed by anybody. I think love is the intimate respect for another's wishes, a union between two people. The best reference I would I like to draw this to is Pacific Rim, it's like the two hemispheres coming together into one mind. Love is the faith of another's choices, I suppose one person has the gut "feeling" of connection is because of trust embedded in another. This is not always true because I can anticipate what people are going to do etc. Love to me seems like others are willing to take their partner's existence as almost equal to theirs. You trust another so much that your willing to take a leap of faith, losing the idea of the possibility that your wife is not a robot and the entire human race is still attached to that probability.
What am I rambling about? Probably my dick entering a vagina... and me having to be nicer to people. But I am nice... but maybe I'm a bit hostile, which is a true fact. I'm vigilant... or just a giant dickhead.
I create a realistic scenario, I think of the morning after I have with a girl. I wake up next to a girl and I feel connected to her because of the shared love making. Whether or not it was bad, I don't know, but I assume i have a good time. She wakes up and there's just the "present", no time distortions, just "now". But when creating this scenario, the fact will probably be, two of the partners will not wake up at the same time, one will probably be farting his (I mean I probably) ass off and another will probably leave and make breakfast then go mountain biking (because mountain biking is fun). I'm just trying to say in this paragraph that I have no clue what love feels like, and most likely will never feel it. I do feel love, but that feeling's just overrated. I feel as though I want adventure and spirit, and maybe someone who I can share it with, I want to discover. My deepest desire is the love of creation... which is unlike others who want couples and hot girls. I do want a lady to make love to, but there's this inner sociopath that wants to tell the whole world to fuck off. I don't want the world to fuck off though, I'm scared of the love that'll be lose, between family friends and those that I hold dearest. I don't have many friends, because people are starting to get their own lives, people want to do adult things. People want to gossip and talk shit about other people, which doesn't interest me. People want to settle down and be rich-asses and do nothing all their lives. Maybe I just want to be loved? It would be nice wouldn't it, but it would be bad if that person restricted me.
I dream of desserts and deserts both. Adventure and food. Me making food for people so they can taste my experiences and craft. Adventure for the selfish soul, looking for new worlds and terrain to see.
I've written to much crap over the years, yet I've deleted many online and on my computer. I'm always embarrassed, maybe this'll go down. Maybe i'll deteriorate and turn into a singularity, then poof, I'm gone.
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ReplyDeleteWow, that is a mouth full indeed. When love is concerned, you are probably asking the wrong guy though. Besides my mother, who was whole hearted, and my father, however turbulent the relationship. I'm not sure I have known it. Being loving and being in love are incomparable really; I like to think I am the loving sort when I let my guard down, trick is, finding the safety to do that. Maybe substance abuse is the key? Maybe your best bet is to turn fascist, put a toy around your neck, and change your name to McLovin.
ReplyDeleteI have always figured love be a chemical response to a physical interaction. Synapses firing at once like a gong show of bells going off in your brain at once saying... holy shit, holy shit, holy shit... Like someone saying all the right things and seeing their visage for the first time (perhaps you have experienced this with a friend).
Having failed at many things, including and not limited to love, I can safely say that every recipe is different. Are marriages of convenience less loving because they are convenient? Who the hell knows? You best ask your grand parents if they are still around. Ask them how love was defined back then, and if they feel the same today as they did at first about it. This of course, as long as they don't already think you are out of your fucking mind that is.
No matter what they say, beware though, you may find love, or it may find you and seem like a whole hearted prayer fulfilled only to end up crushing your spirit. If that is the case...Well... If that is the case, great and true friends are your best call, assuming she hasn't taken those too that is.
Good luck.
Thank you Jason for your comment and your insight,
DeleteMy gangparents shared a very odd love, the observational thing when I see my mother's mother and father is they loved each other like companions. The male meets a female and then they just get rich and live a happy life drafted onto the course of liqueur causing a failed kidney for my grandfather. On the other hand you have my father's side which come from a more rural old malaysia where the japanese had invaded their village as a little child. So they were somewhat reliant of each other, perhaps not the intense pasionate love, but perhaps the family type of love where one didn't have sex so frequently and had more concern with having a family for kids to have a better life. It's quite odd to me that people never assess their lives sometimes, is it any better than if someone would, I would say no. In the time span that we have I believe things like this spoil the fun in life whilst taking a huge chunk of time out of it. It's just the downside of vigilance, maybe it's an escape from regret when we meet our final days, maybe quantifying the things we don't know is something quite close to companionship and reliant behaviour. It's like a sailor looking out into infinite and on the other hang you have a couple believing their love holds no time but only infinite. Maybe in a dramatic sextet, a symphony could illustrate that in life it's all just a bunch of people ready to die ;)? :) I don't know, sometimes I attempt to with strain from the dramatic, it leads to the divine madness of the poet, just how Plato put it :)